One of the toughest parts about being a leader — and this is only my opinion — is finding empathy. I consider myself very empathetic; however, that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Webster defines empathy as: “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts and experience of another.”

In terms of leadership, this translates to being an individual who can understand the needs of others and is aware of their feelings and thoughts. 

Part of the challenge some leaders have is that we didn’t grow in our careers with empathic leaders to set an example for us. Additionally, many of us don’t become managers until later in our careers. 

Recently, I listened to the “Craig Groeschel Leadership Podcast,” where he interviewed jiu-jitsu master Rener Gracie. In the episode, Gracie mentioned that some of his best instructors for new students are individuals only a few levels above beginner. His theory is that those instructors can still remember what it was like to be a beginning jiu-jitsu student. 

Cue the lightbulb.

It makes so much sense; as we grow in our careers, it is easy to forget what it was like to be an intern or a new graduate entering the workforce for the first time. (What do you mean I have to enroll in benefits?) The podcast episode reminded me of how I act and show up as a leader. 

I am thankful to be a department leader while still in the middle of my career; I think it gives me some advantages in that I still remember what it is like to start a career. However, it also puts me at a major disadvantage as I cannot always relate to those older than me. 

Before I dive into the few examples of experiences that led to my empathy, I want to talk about finding empathy with those older than me. The truth is that most of the time, I can’t relate to their experiences. What I can do and what I like to do is listen. I can listen and learn about what they are going through and how it is emotional for them, no matter what they are feeling. 

When we slow down and listen, we can find the emotions needed to empathize with someone else’s situation, even if we can’t understand it. As leaders, we should always be listening — not only to those above us or those in the group we lead but to everyone. Making connections with others in the organization creates a powerful workplace and staff longevity.

Train to Be An Empathetic Leader

A couple of things I carry with me from my career experiences that shape who I am as a leader are:

1. I remember my internship. 

Two things stick with me about my internship: the friendships I made with the other intern and the note of encouragement I received from the individual I was working with at the time. I know I am no longer the cool, hip person I was earlier in life (that whole statement probably proved it) and, therefore, I don’t put myself in a position to be the first person the intern is reaching out to. That task is delegated to those with less than five years in their career. 

This is important because, generally, for interns, it is easier to approach someone closer to their age and experience level. It also allows younger staff to work on their leadership and delegation skills. What I do make a point of doing is reaching out to interns and providing them with feedback. I want them to feel as valued in their internship as I did in mine 18 years ago. 

2. I give credit where credit is due. 

As a budding engineer, I worked hard; I wanted to prove myself and that I knew what I was doing. I put in long hours and completed some of the most complex projects that came in the door. Slowly, as my career was building, I learned that I was serving under a leader who had been taking credit for most, if not all, of the work I had done. 

In fact, when he departed a few years ago, I learned how deep that deception had reached. I was hurt and furious. I vowed to do everything in my power to give credit to those who worked with me every day. Sure, I lead those large projects, and it is hard work, but that work would never get done without the amazing production staff I work alongside. 

Brene Brown, author and researcher, said it perfectly: “Empathy is a choice. It’s a vulnerable choice because in order to connect with you, I have to connect with something in myself that knows that feeling.”

I know from many conversations with clients, co-workers, mentors and other peers that we all have had many positive and negative career experiences. If we tap into those feelings a little bit more and more each day, we train ourselves to be empathetic leaders. It is hard, and it takes work to be vulnerable with those around us — but when we do, we propel ourselves to the top of the most respected leaders. 

As a leader, I have found that we need others to empathize with our situations. We cannot work through all items in our safe leader bubble — it is unhealthy and often unproductive. Those older coworkers I mentioned earlier make for great mentors. Nine times out of 10, they have experienced something similar to what I am going through and want to discuss it. While they not only help provide guidance, they help build trust in our relationships. 

As we continue in this new year, I challenge you to find empathy with those around you. Start small and practice it often. Seek out the individuals you lead and ask them how they are doing. The conversations need to start from the leader down.